Thoughts

Thinking of home and what that means
the sounds of mum in the hall
the phone being used, the notepad filled
a chest of gold with treasures spilling
a wave, a bracelet, a carousel spinning
an elephant, a wondrous circus
something to want, to play, to look at,
to live, to escape and live un-judged
the smell of earth, outside adventures
hiding from the inside, house and heart
they would all count to ten
no one would search, I'd happily be alone again
alone to my world
a boy and his thoughts, is there any more free
went from then to 15, when you find yourself
first brush with the end, hospital nights
laboured breathing, a whispered word
taken back to then by a feeling
raised voices through the walls
still not a man, scared of the night
then at 18 another brush
you find out you are no closer
nothing to understand
make it about you
sleep only wakes into remembering
cover it all, keep busy and entertained
there is no time to change, too late
that has become you
the snake turning and every time
less breath, squeezed harder
Whenever I feel a little fight I lose
one day I may over come
but for today fear wins again