The left over remnants of a New Years Resolution, to not allow myself that luxury, that chance, to block off that part of me as it would not be fair to anyone on the other side.
But now why am I so scared again? Is it that I know this one can break me open, like before, I know she is in that wheel house, I cannot give over to that again, it would be a disaster, but is that all, the turn of her eyes, the wisdom she holds, she seems like the single most beautiful woman in the world and yet I hold back, maybe because of that inflation in and of itself, either way she has me intrigued, she has me fascinated. Something I thought was lost for me, something to which I had given all hope away. That single idea is the most dangerous to me.
My resolution is stuck though, I want to hold onto it as the breaking of it would mean I cannot hold onto promises made to myself, little whispers made in the dark, little whispers to make sure only I know about them, the ones I let out to the light are too big, too ambitious, too scary, the failure is palpable. I want to hold onto this little one as I need to believe I am strong enough to run on my own steam, to follow through on the little wishes I make myself, It seems silly and self harming in a way but I need to be strong for my own self now and for the future.
I will have to see what the new year brings, a new year is a new dawn.
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