Promises That Were Always Going to Hurt

Promises made to yourself
affirmations written in stone
you want them to stand 
as there is failure in promises external
you want to hold those ones internal
you fight all the battles 
it takes discipline to hold the lines
against the old enemy
the voices, the doubts
you want to work hard
you want to change
to make that stick and hold
I hear them say he needs to move
but they dont know what i do
what i have told myself
I need to keep it this time, 
they know all about the breaking of vows too hard to keep
the ones I have told
the ones I held out in public
I don't want to repeat that
She doesn't know what I have said
in the night alone, promised to me
should I say what i'm fighting
I think she might have some idea
that the battle is raging
courage held under fire
that i saw her and something broke
that I was right there in wanting her
I held back and she doesn't know
she may understand why I was not direct
I'm still not and its not her
I am fascinated beyond my belief
I cannot stand to keep it casual
she is something that i never thought would come

When Did I Start to Swear?

Lately I've noticed a few four letter words get into my vocabulary also started getting a bit more angry at times, not sure if its that I am getting older or holding onto things that make me a grump. Disappointed or angry if I get in a slump.

The smallest sneak of a harmless sin
Four letter words that crept on in
uttered if something gets up my chagrin
when did i let the world under my skin?

When did I start to swear?

Such a small change have I lost control
A little crack, is life taking its toll
The feeling of anger in my soul
I used to have the calm to keep whole

When did I start to swear?

these words are being used in anger
once was, that calm was more my anchor
now I am filled with some sort of rancor
a crack in the surface, a pain ridden canker

When did I start to swear?

Why are things getting in at the seams?
let go of my calm? let go of my dreams?
Why do I suddenly feel the need to scream
When did blue language become my theme


When did I start to swear?

I know I want a change in the way I act
more assertive in the way I interact
lifting to anger is not what I lacked
I still want to keep my integrity intact

When did I start to swear?

What am I some old guy on my front lawn
wanting all my neighbours to be gone
looking at others with only scorn
old and tired is that where hatred is born

When did I start to swear?

why have I let go of my calm?
not meditating to the songs of the psalms?
David telling Saul that he wont come to harm
lulling to sleep, no need for alarm

When did i start to swear?

so when did I let it all get to me
when did i lose the feeling of free
At least for now I can look and see
at myself for what I was and what I may be

When did I start to swear?

if I don't stop myself on this road
At least start by turning the first stone
uncover mud and bugs that make it their home
cause they stay under things that no longer roam

When did I start to swear?

i wanna be fresh and roll on my own
no direction home, like a complete unknown
I wanna see how it feels
so I pause and I kneel
till I centre myself and get back to what's real

That I never wanted to swear.