Promises That Were Always Going to Hurt

Promises made to yourself
affirmations written in stone
you want them to stand 
as there is failure in promises external
you want to hold those ones internal
you fight all the battles 
it takes discipline to hold the lines
against the old enemy
the voices, the doubts
you want to work hard
you want to change
to make that stick and hold
I hear them say he needs to move
but they dont know what i do
what i have told myself
I need to keep it this time, 
they know all about the breaking of vows too hard to keep
the ones I have told
the ones I held out in public
I don't want to repeat that
She doesn't know what I have said
in the night alone, promised to me
should I say what i'm fighting
I think she might have some idea
that the battle is raging
courage held under fire
that i saw her and something broke
that I was right there in wanting her
I held back and she doesn't know
she may understand why I was not direct
I'm still not and its not her
I am fascinated beyond my belief
I cannot stand to keep it casual
she is something that i never thought would come

When Did I Start to Swear?

Lately I've noticed a few four letter words get into my vocabulary also started getting a bit more angry at times, not sure if its that I am getting older or holding onto things that make me a grump. Disappointed or angry if I get in a slump.

The smallest sneak of a harmless sin
Four letter words that crept on in
uttered if something gets up my chagrin
when did i let the world under my skin?

When did I start to swear?

Such a small change have I lost control
A little crack, is life taking its toll
The feeling of anger in my soul
I used to have the calm to keep whole

When did I start to swear?

these words are being used in anger
once was, that calm was more my anchor
now I am filled with some sort of rancor
a crack in the surface, a pain ridden canker

When did I start to swear?

Why are things getting in at the seams?
let go of my calm? let go of my dreams?
Why do I suddenly feel the need to scream
When did blue language become my theme


When did I start to swear?

I know I want a change in the way I act
more assertive in the way I interact
lifting to anger is not what I lacked
I still want to keep my integrity intact

When did I start to swear?

What am I some old guy on my front lawn
wanting all my neighbours to be gone
looking at others with only scorn
old and tired is that where hatred is born

When did I start to swear?

why have I let go of my calm?
not meditating to the songs of the psalms?
David telling Saul that he wont come to harm
lulling to sleep, no need for alarm

When did i start to swear?

so when did I let it all get to me
when did i lose the feeling of free
At least for now I can look and see
at myself for what I was and what I may be

When did I start to swear?

if I don't stop myself on this road
At least start by turning the first stone
uncover mud and bugs that make it their home
cause they stay under things that no longer roam

When did I start to swear?

i wanna be fresh and roll on my own
no direction home, like a complete unknown
I wanna see how it feels
so I pause and I kneel
till I centre myself and get back to what's real

That I never wanted to swear.

S*&t I've gotta f#$king get done

S*&t I've gotta f#$king get done

Sell my Fender Baja Telecaster
Solve world hunger
Clear my room
Force Abbott out of office
Roast a batch of coffee
Fix global warming/climate change
Write and record folk album of the decade
Call out Bob Dylan to get his folk back on
Find a creative space to record and create
Learn the secrets of the universe
Smash a guitar on stage in anger
Win the Lottery
Smash a guitar on stage in love
Solve World Poverty
Go to the Soccer World Cup
Punch Bob Geldof and/or Bono in the face
Follow the trails of Butch and Sundance
Shake Edward Snowden's hand
Buy less shit
Wrestle a Bear
Live like the poor
Climb Everest Naked
Be more charitable, time and money
Get booked to perform at Byron Blues and Roots 2015
Exercise more
Open for Ryan Adams' next tour of Australia
Leave my house
Write an award winning and critically acclaimed novel
Eat healthier
Ride a push bike all the way around Australia
Finish everything I say I'm going to do
Write an Oscar winning screen play
Grow some plants grow some bamboo
Write an Oscar winning score
Cook more/eat out less
Write an Oscar winning song
Learn another instrument
Record a second even better folk album in a year
Learn another language
Record a third, mediocre country/rock album in the same year
Finally get properly over her
Never get drunk in the next 12 months
Get dancing refreshers and go out dancing socially. Practice.
Meet the Dalai Lama
Fix broken and lapsed relationships
Work out how to fix Myanmar
Commit more
Keep manufacturing in Australia
Build an electric car
Completely rid the world of its dependence on oil
Do random things every now and then
Get approval to build fast rail between all east coast Australian cities.
Say Yes more
Fix asylum seeker issues
Say No more
Invent time travel
Use no plastic.
Write a million dollar riff.
Jump out of a plane
Land in the arms of "the one"
Love more

Adelaide

Dearest little Adelaide

On your first birthday I’m so glad-elaide

That your awesome mum and dad-elaide

Married and then they had-elaide

a beautiful apette so rad-elaide

now as you grow like mad-elaide

your parents may act like cad-elaides

(most likely it’ll be your dad-elaide)

but don’t you get too sad-elaide

when they deny you the latest fad-elaide

while you live inside their pad-elaide

your life will not be so bad-elaide

they just want to see you gradu-laide

into a smart and balanced adu-laide

your life a rich tapestry like plaid-elaide

not held up and bound or clad-elaide

I am so really glad-elaide

That your ape like mum and dad-elaide

had a little girl so rad-elaide

Dearest little Adelaide.

Something, something, something.

Something old,
of a life almost forgotten that I shook, that I pressed, that I squeezed and let move out to the edge then I pushed some more and let it fall down and out of my life

Something new,
a place of my own, striking out as if the young bird leaving the nest for the first time, there needs to be more new, so much more.

Something borrowed,
a borrowed smile a borrowed laugh, some borrowed lines, I don't think they are mine, I think they used to be but now, no more.

Something blue,
a feeling of ending, not belonging, a sadness in that realisation that to move is to leave and that is what needs to happen the end of it are the waves of blue. But not for long I will get out and over the breakers.

Melbourne

The highs and lows I have come to know

Summers chorus, winters blow

all in one day, a change is always in tow

all tolled out in our ebbs and flows

I wish sometimes that Melbourne would let me grow

Bask in the sun, turn from the shade

To break out from the haze of the staid

Your wonders no longer seem to make the grade

When memories of gigs at the corner all fade

of footy fans leaving down wellington parade

of the tattooed underbelly grunge of Fitzroy

of mums in sydney road Spotlight as a boy

kids parties in Collingwood with red saveloys

of Myer on Bourke Street, and choosing just one toy

something a little bigger was always the ploy

balancing the pocket money to get that prize

that would bring envy to a best friends eyes

that far off in the distance, those wanting cries

have you come to the end, time to cut ties

China town dumplings now fill my mind

Back streets and alley ways, trying to find

a bar you think you went to one time

I was tipsy but in control, maybe thats too kind

'its just round this corner', you say, hoping you're right

or when you laughed at Arj Barker into the night

and Paul Kelly sang about the old Nylex sign

I remember, I remember, that was the line

I will, I will, my mind starts to reply

That night I drove from Coffs just to be here

Warm and in Melbourne, even if it was mid year

All of those north beaches for that one grand old pier

Jamming with mates, then to the pub that was near

Nights at the Espy sipping on beer

No smoking now but just as queer

Driving out East to catch up with friends

almost too far but means worth the ends

gigs at the arthouse were a godsend

home before witching, meant sure to attend

followed round australia as well to record

still a little project time could not afford

one day the guys will watch and applaud

cinemas in moonlight the memory returns

gardens and sunlight and the legs that would burn

fruit bats or seagulls, left for others to discern

if your company is squeamish, I'm sure you will learn

The arts centre spire, geometric and grand

one time it burnt and it was my sister at hand

it seems fireworks cannot be meticulously planned

Rialto and Eureka reaches out into the sky

Monuments to wanting to be like the bigger guy

'We're a city where businessmen fly'

We have the big wheel, hmm not quite London Eye

Now here are the parts of Melbourne to which I am split

the times our ideas and ideals really don't fit

where the money tried to buy those complex knits

of culture, of atmosphere, of Melbourne's best bits

the places they built to try and control

they built a Docklands, stadium with a city life goal

Such a tribute to 'modern' but where is the soul

Chadstone and Highpoint massive Cathedrals to behold

but worshipping retail is not something to extol

but being East and in the burbs is the place to be

garden state gone and on the move are we

sometimes forgetting what we came from was free
we built a big square of bricks and no shade
in summer the will of the strong begins to fade
while the unique mix of swanston buskers entertain
Then for every Melbourne central there is always a royal arcade
Then there's that hirsute man in a gown
the casino on the water that is named as the crown
like most thing royal they just keep people down
you go in, its night, and its night, and its night all year round

Now back to the good because that's what mostly I see
Poly woodside sitting majestic and free

then the sport, oh the sport, and that glorious MCG

build it and they will come was Batman's decree
I'm sure I read what he said in the books of history

from footy to soccer and even ice hockey

we turn up and support 'all of the teams'

and then there's the gigs and festival scene

Fleminton or show grounds' the summer place to be

Bands and horses all get their turn

Bust just try get a taxi that the high heeled ladies yearn

now back home into Kensington the place where I grew

the westies, then the families, then the gentrified youth

there is a calm and a familiar space that stays true

But it hasn't been the same since the time that I flew.

The New Year Resolution of 2013

The left over remnants of a New Years Resolution, to not allow myself that luxury, that chance, to block off that part of me as it would not be fair to anyone on the other side.

But now why am I so scared again? Is it that I know this one can break me open, like before, I know she is in that wheel house, I cannot give over to that again, it would be a disaster, but is that all, the turn of her eyes, the wisdom she holds, she seems like the single most beautiful woman in the world and yet I hold back, maybe because of that inflation in and of itself, either way she has me intrigued, she has me fascinated. Something I thought was lost for me, something to which I had given all hope away. That single idea is the most dangerous to me. 

My resolution is stuck though, I want to hold onto it as the breaking of it would mean I cannot hold onto promises made to myself, little whispers made in the dark, little whispers to make sure only I know about them, the ones I let out to the light are too big, too ambitious, too scary, the failure is palpable. I want to hold onto this little one as I need to believe I am strong enough to run on my own steam, to follow through on the little wishes I make myself, It seems silly and self harming in a way but I need to be strong for my own self now and for the future.

I will have to see what the new year brings, a new year is a new dawn.